Have you ever experienced gaslighting? You may be a bit puzzled regarding that term.
Have you ever had a relationship where you had to constantly second-guess yourself and question your sanity?
I’ve never heard about that term, but I can assure you that I did not make it up. Gaslighting is real!
So, what exactly does the term ‘gaslighting’ means?
Gaslighting can happen in any relationship, but it is especially dangerous in a romantic relationship.
It is essential to know what Gaslighting is and how it works to protect yourself and your loved ones from emotional and psychological abuse.
You are the target, and feeling confused and questioning your judgement is just a part of the signs.
Sounds about right to you?
Yes?
It is ringing alarm bells for me now as I feel a sense of Deja Vu.
How Did Gaslighting Come About?
Gaslighting has been used since the early 20th century.
It is a type of manipulation that seeks to make victims doubt their perceptions by convincing them to think they have a mental health condition.
The name comes from the classic Hollywood movie Gas Light, which depicts a husband who tries to make his wife think she’s going mad by denying her reality and producing small changes in their environment.
The gaslighting effect refers to those changes that happen during the psychological process.
It affects people’s sense of self and makes them more vulnerable and less confident.
If it continues for too long, gaslighting can lead to relationship destruction, depression, and anxiety.
Startling Personal Discovery
While viewing information on the Gingerbread Forum for single parents several years ago, I was intrigued by an article from a single parent.
Every point that this parent made resonated with me.
Putting down my coffee as I continued to read, I felt as if I was taken back in time as I sadly recalled every horrific detail.
I can recall the feeling of the blood draining from my face and recoiling in horror, and I tried to stifle nausea that was threatening to come up.
Wow! These were all the words that I managed after reading that article.
How I Recognised The Signs Of Gaslighting
I can honestly say that it took a bit of time before I discovered what was happening.
Even at the time, in question, I knew and felt that something wasn’t quite right.
My partner in a previous relationship used manipulative tactics to get me into questioning my reality.
- He did this by telling blatant lies
- Denying he ever said or did something
- Making me feel as if I was constantly blowing things out of proportion
- Giving others the impression that I was losing my reality and having a nervous breakdown
You may be asking yourself questions like I was during that unhealthy relationship and constantly wondering what I was doing wrong.
That eye-opening realisation made me aware that being educated and intelligent does not make you more competent to recognise the signs of gaslighting.
Common Warning Signs Of Gaslighting
The following are some tell-tale signs that you might be dealing with gaslighting manipulation:
Other Classic Signs
- You start to doubt your perception of reality.
- You are convinced that you are imagining things or misremembering events.
- You constantly feel bad about yourself, and you start having decreased self-confidence and self-worth
- You find it hard to trust your judgment and keep track of what has really happened.
- You find yourself feeling unsure all the time.
I have now learned that the abuser or bully in the relationship loves to play mind games
It gives them a sense of power and makes them feel like they are the only choice they have.
In other words, you will feel that you have to stay with them and do everything to make it right so that they will be happy with you.
But in reality, it is a feeling that will often leave you feeling trapped, confused and scared for your sanity.
This type of manipulation will leave you feeling helpless, anxious and vulnerable.
10 Warnings Signs Of Gaslighting
I found an excellent video that I wanted to share with you all.
This video supports all the information that I’ve already stated in this article
These 10 signs provide valuable insight into the person’s life being gaslighted.
If you are reading and experiencing these signs, please seek professional help as soon as possible.
It is now time to take back your control.
A Frightful Memory
A memory came to light while reading that article.
My previous partner disappeared for several weeks without any contact after a heated argument.
I ‘discovered’ his return by the smell of cooking in the kitchen.
After I questioned him, he explained that he was sorry that I thought he hurt me by going away, and he did not blame me for the argument we had, even though it was my fault.
He left because he loved me and wanted to think through our argument.
I was emotional and just wanted to forget about our argument, and I wholeheartedly believed him at the time.
On reflection, it was a case of deflecting responsibility and blaming me. And for a minute there, I wondered if I had overreacted with my questions regarding his disappearance.
Gaslighting Is A Slow Burner
It is important to know that Gaslighting doesn’t happen overnight.
It is a slow burner.
The manipulator will gradually increase the intensity of their attacks on the victims’ sense of reality.
This type of manipulation will cause them to question themselves and everything they know.
Gaslighting is a constant form of manipulation where the abuser twists information and tells lies to confuse you.
You will start to lose your grip on reality and question your thoughts, memories, and feelings.
Stages of Gaslighting
The first stage is called the blue meanies narrative.
- This stage is when the gaslighter tries to get close to you by pretending that they care about you or want to help you. The gaslighter wants you to feel grateful for their help and start considering them as a friend.
The second stage is called toxic narrative.
- The gaslighter starts telling little white lies (a toxic narrative) about their lives, how tough it’s been, or what problems they’ve faced.
They do this because they want you to feel sorry for them.
Cycle of Gaslighting
Through gaslighting, the manipulator can make you feel like they are the only one who tells you what’s right or wrong.
But it doesn’t have to be this way if you learn how to recognise how it all starts and get help before it escalates.
It took years before I realised what was happening.
My former partner was mentally and emotionally breaking me down.
Paying me a compliment and criticising me simultaneously is a classic example.
Our minds can quickly pick up on any negative connotation, and it was long afterwards that I realised that he did not give me a genuine compliment.
Other things include doing ‘nice’ things for me but saying unpleasant things while doing them.
Another frightening thing that also came to mind was how he enjoyed battering my self-esteem.
I always love to learn new things and being proactive, and I would always watch videos and try to understand and improve.
It was very common for my former partner to smile or try to say things in a light-hearted manner while telling me that what I was doing was incorrect.
Over the years, I became emotionally and mentally broken.
I began to feel worthless, useless and helpless.
How to Deal with Gaslighters in Your Life
When I realised what was happening to me, I used to take comfort in the bathroom and sob my heart out.
Eventually, the crying turned to relief after speaking with a friend, and I realised that I was not losing my mind.
I was comforted by that knowledge and support, especially since I had very young children.
Now that I was aware of what was happening, it was time to take back control.
The first thing I did was reflect on all our conversations and disagreements.
Knowing all the patterns and behaviour of a control freak and abuser is vital for taking back control of your life.
Then I began to plan some more.
My 5 Steps In Taking Back Control
1. I started to think before I responded in all our conversations
2. I secretly recorded all our conversations and saved our text messages.
On reflection, I found out that he had a way of twisting my words and any of our conversations to make me look as if I was going crazy.
3. It was a long time afterwards before I found someone that was only my friend, and not his, that I could trust.
Talking was helpful because I could voice my feelings objectively without fear.
I finally felt safe that someone was listening to me.
4. I then start to say encouraging and positive words to myself.
I found speaking positively helpful as I ensured that I was not a part of his reality and cancelled out his negative comments to me in the process.
5. After several months of doing that, I sought professional help for the after-effects of gaslighting.
Although I stayed at the time, it is crucial to note that you need to leave the relationship or environment if this manipulative behaviour continues.
From my experience, I know that it won’t be easy to leave, but there are women’s charities and shelters that will accept you until you are back on your feet.
Staying in the relationship will give the abuse additional time to destroy your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and your self-worth and leave you further broken.
It is never okay to remain in such a hostile environment.
Final thoughts
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that is very difficult to recognise.
It is manipulative and can cause lasting damage to victims who fall victim to it.
Although gaslighting can happen in any relationship, it can be tough to recognise this harmful cycle of manipulation. You need to reach out for help and stop yourself from feeling isolated and vulnerable once you’ve identified the signs.
Start planning on taking back control of your life.
Start pushing through until you get your positive mindset
It is the only way to fight for what is left of you.
You can also talk to someone that you can trust and confide in for support in this situation. They might be able to offer advice on how you can get out of this abusive relationship.
Most importantly, seek professional assistance
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